Conversations at Work: Break Room Faux Pas

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Are you eating again!? Wow, whenever I see you you’re always eating. You sure do like to eat don’t you? No no! I’m not saying you’re fat!! Sorry!! Oh man… haha I don’t really leave my office all that much, so, I guess I only see you around lunch time.

It’s sunny, but it’s still cold out. We shouldn’t complain. I was in Poland last week and WOW that was cold. We have it really good here. Haha, it’s not California though is it?

Wow, that food smells really good actually. …can I have some?

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Conversations at Work: Trainer Has Second Thoughts, Or Not?

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I’ve been here since December. December! I haven’t been trained. I came from the dealership up the road, yeah, that one. It’s a mad house! There’s never enough hours in the day to get anything done. I feel like a lunatic half the time. How can it be so disorganized? I’m not use to it. It’s crazy!

I need to learn how to do this, before I can do that, but I’m expected to train on this today. How can I train when I’m still learning? It’s crazy!

Nice having the weekends off though. I haven’t had a weekend off in years. Isn’t that crazy?

Hmmm. Yeah, it’s not that bad really. Maybe it’s just a different pace. It’s crazy.

Conversations at Work: Assistant Drive By

Hello! Yes, is she not in? Just missed her? That’s okay, we’ll catch up another time.

ImageHow are you getting on though? It’s hard, I know. It’s not fair really. I know *Ms. Sassy was right upset with everything before she left. Jobs are scarce now though, aren’t they? My son still hasn’t found one, he’s been applying. He got an interview and it was down to five people. He didn’t get it though. It’s the expectation really. They expect you to have experience but you can’t get experience unless you’re hired out of uni. It’s a shame. Young people today. How’s your family? I bet they miss you. It’s good we have technology like that so you can talk on the computer. But don’t worry, we’ll get it sorted. We have all the PO stuff together, it’ll all come together in the end. You should visit your family when you get a chance, I bet they miss you.

If anything changes, I’ll let you know. Okay, bye!

* Name changed. Obviously 😉

Conversations at Work: Maintenance Offers Good Advice

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‘ullo! Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too!

So, do I get me card and chocolates now or do I come back for them later? ::grins::

 The key is to wait till the day after. I remember one year the fire brigade had left over roses, loads of red roses. They were giving them to people. I brought them home. The missus loved that. Then another year, in Banbury, it must have been an Islamic remembrance, they were handing out red and white roses to everyone. Peace roses. So they hand one to me, then the missus. It looked right silly for a man to be carrying a rose, so I handed it to her. Someone walked up to me and handed me another, so I handed that one to her. Then they did it again and again. She had a right bunch afterwards of white and red roses!

Yeah, but flowers die. Plants last a bit longer. Wait until after Valentine’s day, that’s the key.

Conversations at Work: Cleaning Guy Makes a Joke

::Walks into office, nonchalantly::

Hey! Hey, what do you suppose I should do with this? ::holds up vacuum cleaner::

I’ve never used one of these before, think you could help me out? What do I do with this? ::grins::

I mean, vacuuming is woman’s work right? Right??

I’m just kidding. See you later!

::vacuums hallway::

Conversations at Work: Tech Support Guy

California, huh. Nope, never been out there. The missus and I went to Florida. We were just amazed at how many guns you could purchase. There it was, plain as I could see. Guns for the taking at the store. Wow, yeah. America.

In the 70s, we went into a store and I wanted to purchase a pair of boots. You know, working man’s boots. I just couldn’t believe I could purchase such a nice pair of boots. We didn’t get those over here at the time. So I walk in and say, let me try that pair on. And a man comes up to me and says, are you trying that pair on for your wife? And I said, EH? What you going on about? And he nods and says, oooh English. And I says, yes, bloody right English. Not Australian or South African, ‘cause you know, they tend to mix the two of them up. So he says, sir, you’re in the ladies section. So I get angry at this point, ‘cause I have a bit of a short temper and say to him, how in the bloody hell should I know, where are the signs? And he points up, so I look up, and there’s a ladies sign above my head. Do you think I look UP to find signs?And he asks my foot size and I said, UK 5, to which he says, well, we don’t make men’s sizes that small. Well, do you want to purchase these? And I look at him, that rightful prat, why would I want these now you’ve insulted me? And I walked out. But those were nice boots.

But see, back in those days we were separated by classes. Maybe we still are, to a certain extent. There was a wall, right there where you’re at now, which separated my lot and the directors. Separate toilets. You name it. Been here 30 years. I’d have to take off my shoes before entering a director’s office and wait for him to speak to me first before I could speak back.

::long pause::

Elitists. And women. They were secretaries or accountants and worked in the pool, no computers back then of course. It’s gotten better, but it’s still the same. There’s no wall here, but there’s still separation.

I can tell people don’t like talking to me. Maybe it’s my face. Boy, I can sure hold a grudge. Maybe that’s the English and Irish in me. The English part doesn’t say anything, but I’ll hold a grudge and the Irish side has a bit of a temper.

Yeah, California, huh. I loved New Orleans. Before Katrina hit. But they are a racist people. I walked in with my friend once and this man said, hey, we don’t serve your kind. And I said, what, English? And he said, no, HIS kind. See, my friend is black. And I turn to my friend and says, Gary, did you know you’re black? And he turns to me and says, wait, REALLY? When did this happen and starts looking at his arm. Well, that man put his gun on the counter and we left at that point. Boy we had a laugh. Yeah, America is alright. Except for those guns and racist people. But this was in the 70s, I bet that’s changed slightly now.

Anywho, have yourself a good night. Voicemail should be fixed.

Conversations at Work: Prologue

Co-workers are crazy. Anyone working the 9 to 5 is perfectly aware of just how crazy co-workers really are. Maybe it’s because we spend over 40 hours every week with each other. Like all relationships, we start to grow comfortable. When that comfort zone happens the crazy comes out! Their stories from childhood, dreams from the night before, fears, nightmares, weird collections, why the husband/wife/lover/girlfriend/boyfriend is driving them (and you!) completely insane. My co-workers are no exception.

But, crazy is hilarious. Maybe not at the time, you know, during full crazy. But after watching episodes of the Office, or having a few drinks, I’d recall the conversations and found them quite  … awesome. I’m intrigued by the British type of crazy.

Perhaps it’s my calm demeanor  or inability to walk away, but co workers love opening up. I’m receptive to these conversations, like some kind of lightning rod. Generally it’s when I’m incredibly pressed for time or at the end of the day, when I’m one foot out the door. OF COURSE I HAVE 10 MINUTES!

Unfortunately for them, I’m a writer. I like telling stories. And after much thought I decided to start writing these conversations down, at work, after they happen. I’m going to start writing a series of these aptly named: “Conversations at Work.” Which is ironic because 80-90% of the time it’s them talking and me just nodding in horror with a fake smile plastered on my face.

To cover my ass, I would like to mention a few things:

  • As previously stated, these are primarily one-sided conversations and shall be treated as such. Therefore, I’ve removed all my commentary. It just adds to the crazy. 
  • I won’t mention real names. Ever.
  • I won’t discuss anything personal about the company. Just the conversations.
  • All conversations are completely real. They are not verbatim, but pretty damn close. Because real is awesome.

Enjoy the cray cray.